Sometimes I wonder if I'm just cynical. I've realized lately that I've become lazy when it comes to finding the intertwined human experience. Its something I want, but its also something that I don't want to work to hard for. I've already realized some of my character flaws i.e. depression, cynicism, a lack of a jealous nature, and a lack of possessive ambition. People like to be possessed and to possess but this is something I have never attached to human beings. An example would be, your boyfriend cheats on you. I would be angry, because of the action of cheating. But the pain that comes from the jealousy of another woman, that is non existent within me.
I think life would be a lot easier if I was a psychopath or at least a sociopath, so that I could feel no emotions and in turn not love. I love myself, but at the same time I am not conceited enough to actually be a sociopath. I've felt incredibly drained lately, from my back pain (hurt my tailbone twice in my lifetime and it fucking hurts). This drainage has led to the depression. Around two weeks ago, I believed my life was great, and now like the pre-two week time period, I believe my life is a bottomless pit.
I honestly think I'm going to be one of those women married to their career, which sucks because I want a husband and kids someday. This means I will have to drastically change my outlook on life and I just don't think I'll ever do it. I don't even consider myself a good person right now. I've forsaken myself, and the Goddess will be angry due to this. I have not forsaken her, but by forsaking myself I sort of have. For I am the goddess, like we all are (or whatever God you believe in if not one at all, I can't judge)
I guess I just really need to get stoned, then I'll be a bit happier outside. Too bad its devastatingly cold outside and its only 11:02 AM. I have class at 1:00 PM I really don't want to go, but I'll feel like a lazy ass bum if I don't go. I gotta write a paper or two also. This just adds to the depression.
I'm not trying to find love or a relationship, I'm just trying to find a genuine human intertwined experience. Being that I am a female, I don't even care about sex. I need to click intellectually with people and this is exactly what I want. I don't need the adoration or the attention. I just want a fulfilling conversation. I'm deeply suffering from a bad case of self perception. But I wonder if it really is bad self perception. Am I not the one who does not judge people based on their outsides because life is too short? Am I not the one who knows myself the best? I truly know how ugly I am on the inside and for this I'd say I'm allowed to have the self perception that I do. For the only people who think this perception is warped are people who are on the outside looking in. I'm the only real insider to Zavier, I am my own judge. I am my own jury. The only thing is I have no defense. No real need to defend myself to anyone.
This lack of emotion has got to end, or otherwise it has to stay. Either way, I don't like the Topsy turvy nature of my emotions at the moment.
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